Swallowed By The Sea
by miss-lily-lupin
Summary: Several years after the downfall of Voldemort, Remus Lupin contemplates on his life and makes a decision. SR slash, suicide, and hallucination!Remus warning.


_"You aren't going anywhere! We don't care! Don't you see that! We're still your friends, no matter what you are! It's what's inside that counts, and what you are does not define who you are."_

-- James Potter; June 7, 1970

"It's the greatest feeling I've ever felt, to run on four legs and be able to run free. I'll never forget that feeling and I'll never lose it either. And it's all thanks to you."

-- Peter Pettigrew; December 29, 1976

"You are my brother. Not through blood or relations, but through my heart. You helped me find my love, now I have you help you find yours. Go over there, and tell him. Tell him what your heart tells you, and ignore all those 'but' and 'what if' questions."

_-- _Lily Evans; April 18, 1978

"I can just see their faces, smiling down on us, saying that we'll get there. One day, we'll join them, and when we do, it'll be the happiest day of our life. The day that I day will be the greatest day ever, but only if you join me."

-- Sirius Black; November 13, 1995

There are some things you just can't forget, some things that just linger in your mind for the rest of your days. They are the first things you remember when you wake up and last things you think of before you die. It's those little things that shape you, make you, and brake you. It's those little things in life, the things that you think won't be important an hour from then, that make the biggest impact on you.

It was suppose to be a happy day, the day of August 17. People were smiling and celebrating, and the occasion was one of joy, however, an occupant of the party left early, unable to hold the happiness that everyone else was expressing. A wedding of two beloved people should have made him grin from ear to ear, but all it did was bring back painful memories. Memories that were too painful to revisit. Everything was too similar.

The groom panicking over the state of his hair, the bride complaining about how out of place her freckles looked, the Best Man trying to make a joke of the whole situation, the Maid of Honour telling the bride that she looked perfectly fine, and the attendance. Oh! How many familiar and unfamiliar faces there were. When the couple got up there, he felt himself being pulled back into the past. That wasn't Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter up there that was Lily Evans and James Potter. 

He had slipped out quietly enough, without anyone noticing. The cheers and cries of joy as the couple kissed was enough to smother his 'pop' of Apparation he performed at the back of the cathedral. He knew that no one would miss him. Everyone that would wasn't there, and those few were the ones that should have been there most of all. They should have been sitting with him, crying about how great Harry looked and how beautiful Ginny was. 

Not resting in peace never to be seen again. 

Remus didn't know why he apparated here of all the places, but it was somewhere to let off some steam, some place for him to hide away until he was ready to show his face again. But how many would want to see it was the question. Remus Lupin wasn't one of popularity in his world. Being bitten and having a curse of a dark creature passed on to you could do that to a person. He had heard of people who asked for the bite so that they could become what he was. The thought made him ill.

The autumn air made the wind wash over the ocean water and intensify as it sailed across the beach and washed over Remus. His silvery brown hair tossed around shamelessly and his eyes glowed against the setting sun. He didn't know where his feet were taking him until he got there. He had heard of the terrible stories of the lighthouse here. The cliff that held the lighthouse was falling apart and was now carved as an arch, the part holding the lighthouse the hanging aimlessly over the water. 

The wind was starting to pick up and as Remus looked up and stared off in the distance he saw the tumbling dark clouds heading for him, but he wasn't worried. Nothing worried him anymore. The only thing that did was finally taken care of. Remus walked out onto the cliff and walked to the edge. He could feel the rock shift form his sudden weight and stayed still a minute before turning around to stare up at the old lighthouse.

It was never used anymore. The thing tilted toward the sea as if it was going to fall in and be swept away. Remus often thought about how much he and the lighthouse were alike: old, broken, useless, nearly falling off the edge, and not exactly straight. Remus gave a hollow laugh at that, but the laugh sounded harsh against the angry waves. He abruptly stopped and gulped. There was nowhere he could go without being over come with memories.

Remus sighed as he stepped forward and opened the creaky door and stepped inside the lighthouse. He looked upward and saw the spiral staircase leading upward. It seemed to go on forever and he briefly wondered if it could lead him all the way up to heaven. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Swallowing hard, he took a step upward and with each coming step he felt each little memory come back to him.

The bite. Hogwarts. The Marauders. The cute little freckled girl. Becoming prefect. Running with the anamagi. The Whomping Willow and Severus Snape. The graduation. The wedding. The kiss. It all came back in a whirlwind of memories that were so jumbled, so smashed together that he couldn't decipher them. He felt tears rolling down his cheeks, but he neither acknowledged them nor ignored them. 

The wind howled inside the lighthouse and it was all illuminated by light for a second as a flash of lightning danced across the sky. He continued on. It seemed like an eternity until he reached the top and swung the door open. He slowly walked through the top, examining the burnt out bulb and deck that surrounded it. He saw an opening leading out onto the balcony of the lighthouse where it seemed the door had either fell off or was thrown off by harsh winds.

Remus walked out onto the balcony and leaned over the railing and looked down before him. All he could see was water. The lighthouse towered over the cliff more than it seemed and hung out all the way over the cliff. Or maybe it shifted while he was inside and he hadn't noticed it. 

As he looked at the roaring waves, a pain like a rusty old dagger pierced his heart. He could feel the burning in his throat, which slowly rose up to his eyes. He suddenly wanted to flee from the world and to never return. He suddenly wanted to join his companions wherever they were right now. He suddenly wanted to jump from the balcony and be swallowed by the sea.

The memories still lingered, though. They were still there haunting him, and as he leaned over the balcony, putting all his weight on his waist making the rail dig into his stomach, he closed his eyes and let them overcome him. He wanted the memories now. He needed the memories. Maybe they would help him one way or the other.

_"You aren't going anywhere! We don't care! Don't you see that! We're still your friends, no matter what you are! It's what's inside that counts, and what you are does not define who you are." James declared without a moment's hesitation._

_Remus glared at him. "You don't understand. You don't understand anything." He shut his eyes tight as he blindly reached out to grab some dirty clothes and slammed them into his trunk._

_"Then make us understand!" James said walking up to him and slamming the trunk shut. Remus started and looked up at James. His face was set and stubborn, but Remus grew up stubborn and had much more experience with it._

_"Okay, you want to know what it's like? I don't know what the _hell_ I'm doing while I'm a wolf. Every full moon, I lose my mind. I don't have any control over my actions or any thoughts that are human. All I know is that when I wake up I'm covered in gashes and cuts and am covered in blood. Is this the type of creature you still want to be friends with?" Remus' eyes bored into James' but he still didn't back down._

_"Didn't you just hear me? The werewolf is not you. You are you. The werewolf is just another thing inside you. The werewolf does not decide who Remus Lupin is, does it?" Remus looked up into James' eyes that were full of sincerity. James sighed and added, "Remus, we aren't going to abandon you, so don't abandon us."_

_Remus gulped as he felt tears spring into his eyes. "He's right you know." Sirius added as he came up behind James. "We are _all_ still your friends. One lousy curse isn't going to change a thing. Right, Peter?" Peter gave a frantic nod and James and Sirius smiled. "See?" Sirius continued. "Marauders till the end."_

A few tears leaked out from his eyes as he continued to lean over the banister. "Sirius…" Remus' moan was carried away by the wind. Remus gulped and tried to regain his composure, but another memory flooded through his mind at full force.

"It's the greatest feeling I've ever felt, to run on four legs and be able to run free. I'll never forget that feeling and I'll never lose it either. And it's all thanks to you." Peter said with a small rat-like smile.

"Seriously? You guys don't regret it? Becoming anamagi?" Remus asked as he shifted in his hospital bed. The first full moon with the anamagi had been the best full moon he had ever had.

"Regret it!?" cried Sirius. "No way! I love it! I'm a canine, Remus! And I can run as fast as the wind without hardly ever getting tired. And boy, Moony sure is fun to play with!" Sirius gave one of his crooked smiles and Remus raised an eyebrow.

"Excuse me?"

James laughed heartily and slapped Remus on the back; "Moony sure did love the company of Padfoot, here. Apparently he had been wishing for a friend to play with for a while. Two canines are better than one after all, right?"

Remus hesitated in answering as he looked around at the faces of his friends. Peter gave a chuckled and piped up, "I wasn't too thrilled about being a rat at first, but riding atop Prong's head is pretty fun." He grinned wickedly at James and the taller boy rolled his eyes.

"Wormtail is too slow to keep up with Moony, so I must carry him like an accessory. I don't mind of course because he hardly weighs a thing, but he wouldn't keep still!" James threw Peter an accusing glare and Peter cowered under it slightly before giving an 'oh well' shrug.

"Either than that, though," Sirius said with a dreamy look in his eyes, "I'll be forever in debt, Moony, because being Padfoot is the greatest thing since sliced bread."

Why did all of his memories end with Sirius? Everything did not end with Sirius. His life did though, and Remus knew that. Each tear that fell from his tightly shut eyes were lost in the wind that whipped around dangerously now, warning everyone to go to their shelter and tuck away safely. Remus Lupin, however, kept his eyes tightly shut, lost in the past.

"You are my brother. Not through blood or relations, but through my heart. You helped me find my love, now I have you help you find yours. Go over there, and tell him. Tell him what your heart tells you, and ignore all those 'but' and 'what if' questions." Lily said encouragingly as she laid a comforting hand on his leg. She gave him a small smile and he sighed.

"I can't help but think of those 'but' and 'what if' questions." He mumbled as he stared at Sirius across the room. He was sitting by himself, which was very unusual for Sirius, even if it was a gathering of the Marauders and the one and only Marauderette. 

"Must I cast a spell upon your mind to block out all of those questions, or can you push them to the back of your mind for five minute to just get it over with? Look, this is what you do, go over to Sirius and ask to go speak with him quietly, that way, nothing is seen or heard by unwanted ears." Remus stared at Lily, smiling gratefully at her and thanking anything possible for her logic. He gave a curt nod and stood.

He walked across the room where Sirius sat and said in a conversational voice, "Can I talk to you in the kitchen?" Sirius looked up at him, smiled, and gave a small nod before getting up and leading him into the kitchen. They were silent for a moment and Remus turned his back on him. He couldn't do this…

"Remus…?" A soft hand lay on his shoulder and swerved around to face Sirius. They were so close that he could decipher his brown colour from his black pupil. They stared at each other for a moment, neither saying anything.

Remus was the first to break the silence, "Sirius, I—" He never got to finish his sentence as sweet lips covered his own and engulfed him into a kiss. Remus melted into it instantly, not wondering or thinking about it logically. All that existed was him, Sirius, and this kiss. 

Sirius pulled away and sighed with a smile. "You know, Remus, you should never stare at me like that. It's just too damn irresistible."

Small water droplets were starting to fall from the sky. They landed on top of Remus' head and tickled his head playfully as it trailed through his hair and fell away into the night. He didn't even acknowledge the rain as it began to pelt down harder with each droplet. He stared at the sea, lost in the kiss. Remembering the taste, remembering the sensation, remembering everything about the kiss that he could. He gulped as he swirled in one last memory, trying to remember the happiness.

"I can just see their faces, smiling down on us, saying that we'll get there. One day, we'll join them, and when we do, it'll be the happiest day of our life. The day that I day will be the greatest day ever, but only if you join me." Sirius looked into Remus' eyes. Remus sat across from him on the other side of the Dining Table. Remus shook his head, knowing the hidden message in that statement.

"Sirius, I can't—"

"Then don't." Sirius said simply, and he rose from the table. Remus felt his throat tighten as he saw Sirius leave the room. Remus clenched his fist. Two minute ago they had been having a normal conversation about the past, and now they couldn't even look at each other. Remus wanted to cry out against the silence cursing the world for being so unfair, but he couldn't. All he could do was watch his former-lover leave the room in despair.

"Sirius." Remus felt himself say. His voice sounded weird in his ears. He wanted to say it was because he was close to a breaking point, but Sirius knew better. His voice was full of fright of what was to come. What the past had shaped for them and what the future would lead them to. Sirius turned to face him and they stayed like that for several moments.

Sirius was the first one to break the silence. "Can things ever go back to the way they were, Rem?"

Remus looked at him and shook his head slowly. "No, I'm afraid they can't."

"I see." His voice sounded forced, and Remus knew what he was thinking. "I understand." 

Sirius made a turn to leave, but Remus spoke up before he could, "But things can be similar. You can bring things from the past to make way for the future. They just can't be the same, because things will never be the same. You just have to continue on, to what the future will bring, and if you'll use the past to help you do that, then who's going to stop you?"

Sirius looked at him, and Remus wasn't sure who made the first move, all he knew was that they met halfway and embraced each other in a kiss, a kiss full of hunger and passion, a kiss that had been waiting to happen for the past fourteen years.

A dry sob escaped Remus' lips as he leaned over the rail, but it was carried away by the wind so that no one heard it. All of his greatest moments had happened with his love by his side, and there was no way he could live without that love. Remus gulped as he stared into the darkness of the night that led down into the ocean. He saw a face there. A face that was so loving and so familiar that it made Remus' blood run cold. But it was a relief to see that face after so long.

The face had a body with it, and the arms stretched out above the body as if waiting for him to enter them. The arms were so strong, so gentle, and so inviting that it made him want to be embraced by him. And Remus couldn't reach him. Not from where he was. That face and that body… they were waiting for him to join him. In the sea where he could be swallowed up and be finally where he belonged with his friends, the only people that would ever understand him.

And with this knowing, Remus let go and felt the wind rush past him as he fell from the world and from the life and into those arms that embraced him like a man embracing his lover after a long absence.


End file.
